European Central Bank Hikes its Skirt – err Interest Rates

Yesterday, the ECB raised its benchmark interest rate by a 0.25%, up to 4.25% in an attempt to piss off the US combat potential inflation. Inflation has been bugging the hell outta central banks around the world since the price of oil and burger king the best food ever food have both been rapidly rising due to increased global demand. This makes US investors sad, as higher Euro interest rates tend to send its currency higher against the USD because investors like higher interest rates, thus will keep their money in Euro zone where it will generate higher interest. Yadda, yadda, higher oil prices, yadda, yadda.

The Star

Wall Street – Big Daddy Bear is Back

Do you know what its like to be a kid and use your “slip and slide” and it’s fun? Do you know what it’s like to be drunk and “slip and fall” and its not fun? Well, today the markets took a turn for the latter. Yes kids, the Big Daddy Bear is back. And Big Daddy Bear likes it rough. The Dow (INDU) and the Nasdaq (COMP) both closed at levels that meet the definition a bear market, which according to CNN Money, is defined as a drop of at least 20% of the cyclical heights. This is also known as “doing shitty” and “making investors sad.”

What is the reason for all of this you ask? Well, many things. Starting with GM – this stock took a dive of 15% TO A FIFTY-FOUR YEAR LOW (yes all caps because this is a point to note); this made know-it-alls Merill cut GM’s rating from “tap this” to “run screaming”, no, it cut the rating from “buy” to “underperform.” This is known as “bad.” Also effecting the market are worries about the strength of the Euro vs. the USD (possible boost in the European Central Bank rates), as well as tomorrow’s upcoming US Government report on jobs.

But what, you are asking, is the main culpret? Yes folks, its the price of oil. Today, oil prices jumped again based on a “shortage” of light sweet (bitchy) crude. Basically, oil producers are sitting in their golden, diamond-encrusted thrones, passing the hash pipe around and laughing in the faces of those on Wall Street, who are crying salty tears into their empty Starbucks travel mugs.

And that’s the state of affairs for today. Check back tomorrow for more!

Source

Starbucks – in a latte trouble?

Today, Starbucks announced that, starting in July 2009, it would close 600 company-owned US stores. This announcement brought a jump in the stock price of $0.72 – the first time the stock has move upward in almost two years! That’s probably because Britney started upping her frapp intake to ensure that none of the six Starbucks at her nearest intersection would close. You’d think her intake alone would be enough to stop this tragedy from occuring!

This means that approx 12,000 emo kids will be out of a job! nooooo! That’s not including the thirty-year-olds-with-faux-hawks-managers that will also be out of jobs. Ok, we don’t like news that puts people out of jobs. Well, at least the local bookstore poetry readings will have plenty of “performers” to choose from. I kid, I kid. I love everyone at Starbucks! My local is very friendly, even though they are perpetually “out” of those mini vanillabean scones. I found out the other day that’s because the staff are eating them all! What?! Maybe that’s why they have to close stores, “hungry” staff.

Source

Ok, Just Kidding About Wall Street

Everything’s coming up roses for investors this morning! Go team! Yesterday, CNN reported slipping stocks on Wall Street and a new report on US consumer confidence as waivering, however, today things are looking up for men in dark suits. Today, Wall Street saw the Dow rise by 0.42% and Nasdaq by 1.5%. The price of our fave street-corner dirty girl, light, sweet crude, fell from $4.17 to $132.83 on NY’s Mercantile Exchange. Another point helping Wall Street is that those hot messes at the US Federal Reserve decided to hold rates. Investors are saying thank you and crossing their fingers for a little hike in the skirts of the Fed, to show some sexy leg, in the near future.

Source: Yahoo! News

Wall Street – Stocks Slip

Wall Street got a firm smack on the ass today and not in a good way. The Dow lost 0.3% of its dignity, while Nasdaq lost 0.7%. The slip is partially due to US consumer confidence, which is pretty poops right now according to a new report out today that states it’s at a sixteen year low! This is due to the usual culpret, weak growth, and its naughty love affair with higher prices is not helping. Also increasing oil prices are a concern. That’s your not-so-surprise of the day, cherish it.

This guy, Ralph Parks of Ralph Parks Investments, says something like he thinks in six months we’ll all be “dancing and laughing and forget that all this ever happened,” ok no, he said “I’d say that about six months from now, the market should be stronger and the economy should start to pick up, since the market reflects the economy.” Are you sure? Who knows. CNN seems to belive him, as they quoted him in their article.

Source: CNN.com, Source: CNN.com

Warren Buffet Eats Out

Everyone’s favourite gajillionaire investment guru, Warren Buffet, is auctioning off lunch with himself with the most recent bid at $40,000. THAT’S IT?! Last year, lunch with this smart, sexy beast went for $650,000. CHUMP CHANGE! All that will get you on the arm of this man-candy is a Big Mac, some beauty advice, and a quick kiss (yes, just a quick one). Of course, that’s okay, because all of the proceeds go to Glide Foundation to benefit San Fran’s homeless

Source: The Star

Welcome to No Snooze News!

Welcome to No Snooze News! Do you need to know the news, but find that CNN.com puts you to sleep? Are you writing a term paper, but would rather be at the bar? Do you need to look smart at work and in the social scene, but would rather watch reruns of Melrose Place than BBC News? Look no further, No Snooze News is here to solve all of your problems! Well, not solve all your problems, but maybe scratch the surface of a few of your more superficial ones. We aim to do this by providing you with the news you need in an easy-to-read, high school gossip format. Enjoy!